just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
