you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
