I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
