Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Come see our sink grown plant.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
