i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i have two assholes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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