apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
