last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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