I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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