Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
