She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
