Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just tell him i said nine months
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
