You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
