I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
