plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
