Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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