My nipple is on Facebook.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
