my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
