i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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