I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
