you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
