I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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