I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize