The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
