According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
