I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
