In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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