I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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