Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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