Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
