Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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