Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
