Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
