You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
As shirtless as possible
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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