Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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