I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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