This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
