She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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