I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
