It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I met the friendliest cop last night
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
