you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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