Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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