And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
