I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
