I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
