Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
