I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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