I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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