we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
