I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
is that a dick in a sweater?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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