That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
