So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
