I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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