someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
