This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
