Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize